The Worst Film of 2009

... is 2012, the latest disaster movie from director Roland Emmerich. It's not that I had any great expectations before I headed over to Stratford Picturehouse this evening, but there was nothing on the telly and I felt I couldn't comment without actually seeing the film.

And it was dreadful - two hours and 38 minutes of absolute unmitigated arse-gravy. Gossamer-thin characterisation, an appalling script full of mawkish sentimentality and dodgy science, dull special effects that looked like they had been developed for a rather average Xbox computer game and some of the most staggeringly bad foreign accents I have ever heard. The BBFC review says the film contains "sustained moderate threat" but at no time did it ever feel as though John Cusack (in his worst role since the awful Con Air), Amanda Peet and their irritating moppets would not survive to face more absurd situations and to spout more platitudes. And does Forest Gate's most famous son, Chiwetel Ejiofor, really need the money so badly that he's sunk to this after his great performance this year in Endgame?

Let's put it this way: 2012 makes Independence Day look like 2001. Even Armageddon is a better film. Hell, even The Core is more entertaining. OK, there may well be other terrible films out this year that could qualify as 'worst of 2009', but the fundamental promise of a big, stupid disaster film is that it should at least be properly paced and offer a little 'wow' for its ticket price, even if it isn't that deep, meaningful or believable. But 2012 fails on all counts. And to make matters worse, Emmerich is now developing a follow-up television series.

Perhaps I should have stayed home and watched Doctor Who... at least I'd have something to talk to my nephew and niece about. There is no way they'd ever have the patience to sit all the way through a film as mind-numbingly boring as 2012.